What Hurts the Most
by Courtney Higgins
Summary: Every since Skittery's death, Snitch can't get his mind off of him...and what they could have been.


I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house, that won't bother me.   
I can take a few tears now and then and just let 'em out.

Snitch sat alone in the lodging house while everyone was out selling papes. He liked the silence. Once he was sure that everyone including Kloppman was gone, he screamed as loud as he possibly could, letting the tears fall for the first time since The Incident. He'll never forget that night. It was as clear as if it had happened yesterday and not a month ago. 

Im not afraid to cry every once in a while even though goin' on with you gone, still upsets me.   
There are days every now and again I pretend Im okay.   
But that's not what gets me.

He layed on his back that night, ignoring all the people around him.

"Snitchy?"

Snitch's head shot up. Nope. It wasn't him. Just Mush.

"Are you okay Snitchy? You can talk to me. You know that."

Snitch shrugged and turned the other way. After Dutchy and Specs gave up on him, he got tired of the noise and climbed up to the roof. He used to love it up here... He thought, remembering the good times. 

What hurts the most. Was being so close. And having so much to say. And watching you walk away. And never knowing. What could have been. And not seeing that loving you. Is what I was trying to do.   


Snitch called out the headlines. It was almost the end of the day, and he hadn't sold even one lousy copy. He threw the papers into the lake and walked back to the Lodging house alone. Words ran through his head...his eyes burned and he forced the tears back down...

Snitch! Listen to me! I don't care, okay? I really don't. You mean nothing to me. NOTHING. You got that? So just shut up and get out of my life. 

It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go. But I'm doing it.   
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone. 

It was raining, and Snitch was leaning over the Brooklyn Bridge. He didn't have much, so he wore Mush's clothing. It was bigger on him, and warmer too. He looked out over the dark, tossing and turning waves below. At this time of night, you could only see waves and blackness. Like if you were to fall in, you'd fall forever and ever into this dark abyss. He wondered how it would feel. Spot came striding across the bridge as Snitch was about to jump.

"Snitch no!" Spot grabbed him and pulled him back onto the ground. "What the hell do you think your doing? Killing yourself isn't going to bring him back. You know that."

Snitch gave a small smile. "Heh. Well I could try." With that, he fainted, leaving Spot to carry his limp body up to the Lodging House, where the others would freak out, thinking he was dead. They just didn't know how right they truly were.

Still harder, getting up getting dressed livin' with this regret but I know, if I could do it over,   
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart, that I left unspoken.

Snitch didn't even get out of bed the next morning. He couldn't stand at all. All he could do was lay there and replay his memories over and over. Like a broken record, never stopping.

"I need to talk to you."

"Why?" Can't you see that Im busy?"

"...Are you...you're drunk."

"Drunk? Me? Never. Wow, how did you guess? Aren't you the smart one."

"Look if your going to be that way then--"

"No. Im good. Tell me what you walked all the way here for. What? Do I owe you money or something? Here. Take it all."

"Ack! Look, I don't want your money. I just wanted to tell you...what you saw earlier...Look, Austin means nothing to me, okay? He's leaving New York and he just wanted a kiss before he left. Honest."

Why are you even telling me this? I don't care. I never did."

"Look...I...I love YOU not him..."

"Wait...you LOVE me? You LOVE me Snitch? Ha! Sure. What is this? Who put you up to it?"

"No one. I really do love you..."

"Sure. And like I actually like you back. Did you ever stop to think? I pitty you, I don't really like you!"

"W-What? Your drunk. You don't know what your saying. Lets get you back."

"No! Get your hands off me! I know what Im saying. I hate you, Snitch. I always have. Get that through your lazy, stupid, tiny head."

"But I thought...I thought you loved me...I love you so much and—"

" Snitch! Listen to me! I don't care, okay? I really don't! You mean NOTHING to me. NOTHING. So just shut up and get out of my life!"

When Snitch left Tibby's that night, he couldn't go back to the Lodging House. Not yet. He crawled into a nearby alley and slept there, thinking about what had been said. Then, dwelling on those thoughts, he slowly drifted off to sleep. 

What hurts the most, is being so close, and having so much to say, and watching you walk away, and never knowing what could have been, and not seeing that loving you, is what I was trying to do.

He woke up about an hour later to a loud yell. He looked around and paled at what he saw. "No! Stop!" he yelled, running towards the bridge. "Please!" Tears were streaming down his cheeks. A gang dressed in all black, had a boy about Snitches age, and was dangling him over the bridge. "Don't hurt him! 

What hurts the most. Is being so close. And having so much to say. And watching you walk away.

The gang completely ingnored him, But the boy in their hands turned to look at Snitch. He smiled softly. Snitch stared at him, tears falling freely. Speechless. 

And never knowing. What could have been. And not seeing that loving you. Is what I was trying to do.   


The boy mouthed an 'I love you' and one tear fell from his eyes.Snitch mouthed it back, falling to his knees. The gang let go of the boy, watching him fall into the emptyness of the abyss below. Snitch sobbed as they retreated.s he remembered all these things, he found the strength to stand. He slung on a shirt and walked out the door. As he stood on the edge of the bridge for the second time, he smiled. "Maybe we can finally be together now...I love you so much...Skittery." 

And not seeing that loving you...That's what I was trying to do.   


Smiling softly,Snitch closed his eyes thinking of Skittery as he fell forward into the dark waves. Happy. 

That's what I was trying to do.


End file.
